Band of Brothers

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.--Proverbs 17:17

A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.--Proverbs 18:24

True friendship is a rare gift, especially among men. In a culture that promotes rugged individualism on the one hand, and allows people to have thousands of "friends" through social media on the other, we have lost our way regarding what friendship means. We read stories in the Bible about friendships between men and the closeness they have may seem surreal to us because they are so different from our everyday experience.

We may have buddies, but often we don't have brothers.

We may have men that we like doing stuff with, but often we don't have men whom we love deeply.

I am grateful that for me, at least, results have not been typical. I want to tell you about two of my friends.

Several years ago, our church held a men's ministry event where "accountability groups" were encouraged. If you've never heard of an accountability group, it is essentially when a group of men get together and confess their sins to one another and pray for one another, usually guided by a list of questions (e.g., did you look at porn this week? Have you managed your money well?). My friend Brad was moved and reached out to a bunch of guys about starting a group. Eric and I, even though we didn't attend the men's ministry event, were the only two that responded. We didn't even really have relationship beforehand, other than a time when I offended Brad. The three of us began meeting at 6:00 on Thursday mornings at Randy's Family restaurant.

We are an unlikely trio. Let me tell you why. Brad runs an office--several actually--that sells bearings and transmissions. He is a whiz at math, has great spatial skills, has administrative capabilities that most only long for, and is a neat freak (perhaps even obsessively so).  Eric is a locksmith by profession, but also has an eye for beauty that many people lack in today's culture. Whether from resin or wood, he is able to craft things that amaze. Eric is also driven and visionary. I am a neuropsychologist and pastor. I love words more than anything requiring spatial skills, something both Eric and Brad would be quick to tell you. I am also decidedly not a neat freak.

Brad likes bikes. Eric likes Dungeons and Dragons. I like books.

As I said, we are an unlikely trio, yet these two men are my brothers. The love I have for them runs deep.

When we began meeting, we used " the list." Each week we would walk through the questions. Some weeks, I would hope that we wouldn't get around to me because I didn't want to tell these guys what a mess I was am.  Week after week we persisted, bonds of friendship forming. Eventually, we put away the list. We didn't need it to guide our conversations any longer because we had developed enough trust in one another to discuss whatever was pressing. We began to understand what it meant to encourage, admonish, help, and love one another. We were willing to dig down with one another and to allow the others to dig beneath our false veneer we put up.

But don't get the wrong impression that deep friendship is always easy. It's not. Every one of us have said something stupid for which we have needed to apologize. Every one of us has been confronted and wounded by the others. We have repeatedly had to apologize and forgive. Every one of us has sinned against the others, often unknowingly.

It would be so easy to live on the surface, to talk about the weather, but never get down to what is beneath. It would be so easy to walk away when conflict arises. It would be so easy to live behind our masks and never let one another see our true selves, but then we would never be truly known and honestly, then we would never grow. My friend Larry says "true growth happens when you look bad in the presence of love." I have that with these men and I regularly thank God for them. In a society that says when things get tough you are totally within your rights to walk away, a brother who sticks close by when things get messy is an unbelievable blessing.

In John 17, perhaps my favorite chapter in the whole Bible, Jesus prays for his brothers. At the end of the prayer, Jesus tells the Father that his desire is that these men would love one another the way that He and the Father love one another and that we would be one in the way that the Trinity is one (verses 21-22). This is not love like the world defines love; it is a radical other-centeredness and commitment to one another's good. Jesus wasn't just praying that this might happen in heaven, but that we might manifest this in our relationships now. I am grateful for two brothers with whom I am able to strive for that goal.

Perhaps as you read this, you are thinking to yourself "yeah, that's unrealistic," but what if it's not? How do you stretch toward this end? First, pray. Ask God to help this type of relationship develop. Second, persist. As I said above, when things get hard, our sinful predisposition is to cut and run rather than persevere in love for one another. Third, patience. Change happens slowly. In our instant society, we need to become people who take the long view, who trust the process of growth and relational sanctification.

Brad, Eric, and I are far from perfect, but we are committed to loving one another over the long haul.

Disney and corrupted masculine intimacy

I have been thinking a lot about masculinity recently. In preparing a message for this Sunday on sexuality and gender, I have been wrestling to understand what the Bible says. I want to convey biblical truth to our church in plain terms. Thinking about masculinity is a natural extension of a teaching on gender.

The recent Disney release of a live action Beauty and the Beast has also brought masculinity to the forefront of my mind. Ed Vitagliano of the American Family Association wrote an article on March 13 entitled "Protect your children from Disney's gay agenda!", complete with exclamation point to drive home the seriousness of the message. Many Christians will undoubtedly boycott this movie on the warning of Vitiagliano and others with the same message. That choice is each person and each parents prerogative.

I, for one, don't know if Disney was promoting a "gay agenda" with Beauty and the Beast. There are indications that it may have been intended and, if I turn my head and squint my eyes, I can see that. (I will leave it to the pundits, who perceive it's necessity, to wrestle with that question). But as I came away from the movie yesterday (which I loved), I found myself wrestling with another question regarding masculinity. My question was not, "is Disney promoting the 'gay agenda'?", but "what ever became of nonsexual masculine intimacy?"

In today's American culture, men equate physical touch with sexuality. Any suggestion of intimate physical touch--in other words anything except a punch on the shoulder or a high five--suggests sexual desire. To hug another man, face to face, for more than a second, raises questions about motive and repressed homoerotic desire.

American masculinity often eschews deep relationship with women and especially with men. Emotions, apart from anger, are to be quickly suppressed or denied. Men are to be virile, and sexually interested, noticing, and perhaps commenting upon or even having sex with, as many women as possible. Men are supposed to seek power and control. Women and other men are to be used, not loved. In other words, American culture, and too often the American church, wants us to be more like the brutish Gaston from Disney's original Beauty and the Beast than like the sensitive Lafou from the 2017 version.

American men are loners.

But they feel so alone.

Beginning at an early age, boys receive the message that to be masculine is to be tough. Physical touch between fathers and sons all but disappears as they age, if it was ever there to begin with. The judges on the playground court convict boys as gay and sentence them to social isolation if they act contrary to the unwritten rules for masculine touch. Fighting is okay; hugging is not. Confusion ensues and the potential effects are legion.

This macho masculinity is a more recent phenomenon, I believe driven in some ways by a media culture that promotes a strong, even pathologic, male independence that eschews all need for affection and especially physical touch. It hasn't always been that way. Even in the Bible, we see evidences of physical intimacy between men that would make many of us modern men squirm.

• When Jacob sees his brother Esau, whom he has not seen for a long time, he runs to him, falls on his neck, and kisses him as they both weep. (Genesis 33) 
• As Paul left the Ephesians and would not see them again, they wept and embraced and kissed him. (Acts 20)
• Though he didn't need to, Jesus often touched the people he healed.
• In the New Testament, believers greeted one another with a kiss. 
• On his last night before the crucifixion, Jesus had an intimate dinner with his disciples that involved not only foot washing, but John leaning back into Jesus at the table. (John 13) 

I don't fully know what recovering biblical masculine intimacy looks like. I do know that one of the most healing moments in my life involved an intimate and extended hug from a man. So in closing, I offer a few thoughts:

• American men and boys need to be seen, valued, and yes, even touched. 
• Explore your own assumptions about touch. As you read through this essay, what stirs in you? Are you questioning my agenda, or perhaps my sexuality? 
• If you don't know where to start, dads you can begin by hugging your sons (and your daughters). Many adults never knew loving touch from their parents growing up. 
• Don't equate touch with sex. They are not the same thing. 
• Men, seek intimate relationships with a few other men. 
• Consider reading this article that a male friend of mine posted: The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men's Lives is a Killer. 

Jesus stretched out his hand and touched him.--Luke 5:13

a better Way, a better Truth, a better Life

I was deeply bothered by the audio clip of Trump yesterday. It seems to be yet another example that his lewdness knows no bounds. I wrote a deeply personal blog post today that I decided not to share. I was concerned enough about the content that I shared it with three people I really trust: my wife, my best friend, and my mother. Ultimately, though what I wrote is important and authentic, the detailed account is unnecessary for a general audience and potentially harmful for a young one. I don't want to risk harming those I love. 

But let me say this. Too often in my life, I have engaged in sins of omission and commission when it comes to women. I have treated women poorly and I have failed to defend them when I should have.

Men, we CANNOT continue to be party to a culture that debases women. We do not have the luxury of justifying ourselves by saying "all men do it." To all of the girls and women I have ever known, forgive me for the ways in which my thoughts, words, and actions have harmed you.

Dads, we need to teach our children that women are not sexual playthings. We live in a culture that tells us they are. If you listen to the culture, and even to our current presidential candidates, you will begin to believe it. Too often, I have failed to stand against the tide of sexual indecency. Forgive me for not consistently demonstrating what God calls men to be.

Men, Trump's words and behaviors have given us an opportunity. We can fail to speak out because we know we have done the same things. We can tacitly support Trump by laughing at the things he says and does.

Or we can humbly confess that we have failed to honor women and take a stand. We can say that we will not be part of a culture that continues to degrade and demoralize women. We can choose to move strongly against a hypersexualized culture. We can give ourselves in love and service to those who have no voice in a culture that tells them their beauty lies only in their sexuality. We can show by word and action, that there is a better Way, a better Truth, and a better Life.

Men, let's take a stand.

Jason Bourne and Real Manhood

Owen Strachan tackles the issue of manhood.  He looks to Jeremy Renner's character in the most recent Bourne movie to start a discussion of manhood.  Although there are certainly characteristics of Renner's character that do not fit biblical manhood either, he offers some good reflections. 

He writes, "it struck me afresh how impressive the lead character of the Bourne movie is as a man.  He’s in control, assertive, aware of others, physically fine-tuned, and one who meets any challenge in front of him.  This kind of man is strikingly different than another avatar of modern cinema, the boy-man, who pops up repeatedly in the films made or led by Judd Apatow, Adam Sandler, Jonah Hill, Seth Rogen, and many others.

"The boy-man is selfish, young, immature, addicted to games, immune to responsibility, foul-mouthed, and weak.  He’s overwhelmed by adulthood, so he chooses to stay in some sort of boyish fantasy.  He doesn’t want to build big things, meaningful things, like a family, a six-decade marriage, a socially and personally profitable career, or a gospel-driven church or missions effort.  He wants to make music, play games, follow sports, flirt with girls, loaf through life, bend the rules so he’s not accountable or inconvenienced in his selfishness, and ignore the need to help others.

"I want to suggest that wherever you can as a young man or one involved in any way in training young men, you point them toward manhood, maturity, adulthood, responsibility, ambition, strategy, vision, focus.  Yes, it can be fun to be boyish.  But you know what’s far more satisfying?  Becoming something.  Becoming something greater than you are.  Becoming a man.  Building stuff."

 I would commend the article here. 

Book Review: The Masculine Mandate

I won this book, The Masculine Mandate, along with two of Richard Phillips's other books, Jesus the Evangelist and What's so Great About the Doctrines of Grace? a year or two ago.  This one has been sitting on my shelf that whole time.  I have grabbed it a few times, only to reshelve it for later.  I wish I would not have waited. This is simply one of the best, most accessible books on Christian manhood that I have read. 

Phillips begins early by challenging the ideas of one of the most popular books on masculinity, Wild at Heart, but he doesn't dwell there.  Instead, he moves quickly to developing a biblically informed view of manhood.  Specifically, expanding upon Genesis 2, he identifies the themes that we are to "work" and "keep". 

After he develops this model, he demonstrates what this looks like practically.  He discusses the role of loving leadership in fatherhood and marriage. He also talks about the importance of male friendships and how we must minister to one another.  Finally, he talks directly about the importance of men being in the church, being leaders, and ministering to others.  This theme in particular seems to run contrary to some of the wildly individualistic men's stuff that has come out.

I would commend this read to any Christian man.  It is a clear, understandable explanation of what it means to be a man. 

4.5 stars. 

Sing like you mean it

Why do people, particularly men, walk out of the sanctuary when the music begins? Why do they sing hymns, psalms, and spiritual songs in a half-hearted way if they sing at all? Where is their passion for their Savior? 

I have been thinking about these questions lately and privately lamenting the disregard for corporate singing that I see among today's churchmen.  In our church, we open the service with a few songs.  People mingle in the lobby, visiting about the weeks events, or what they are doing that afternoon or something else, neglecting the opportunity to offer praise to God.  As the service draws to a close, we sing again.  Too often, people--particularly the men--head for the lobby again.  Sometimes to retrieve children, sometimes to relieve themselves. Yet few return to sing. 

I suspect part of the reason for this is a tendency to view church in an entertainment framework.  People see themselves coming to church to be entertained.  Their is a failure to see their active roles in corporate worship.  The music is not entertainment, nor a warm-up for the sermon.  It is an integral part of the church service.  It is worship offered to the "immortal, invisible, God only wise."  I would like to see our men lead in this regard--to see them sing boldly to the God whom they profess to love. 

There was an article posted at The Blazing Center today that was a balm for me.  The author, Keith McCracken, writes of his father's passion for singing hymns, loudly, in and out of the church.  He writes, "Though I hold many cherished memories of him, perhaps the most vivid was his excitement over singing certain hymns. By all accounts he possessed at best an 'average' voice when it comes to uniqueness and tonal quality. But he sang his favorites with a conviction that was beyond convincing and was by far one of the loudest and most joyful voices in a congregation of approximately 350. I remember looking up at him and 'checking him out' while he was singing… 'Is he for real?' I would wonder. When he would catch me looking at him he would simply 'lock-eyes' with me and sing all the louder while he broadened his grin to match proportion with his pleasure."  This had a lasting impact upon McCracken and I would commend the whole article to you. 

Dad's, don't minimize the impact you have upon your children's faith.  They need to see you loving God in many ways.  They need to see that Christ is of preeminent importance to you.  Set aside your embarrassment, your distraction, and "sing like you mean it."  

David also commanded the chiefs of the Levites to appoint their brothers as the singers who should play loudly on musical instruments, on harps and lyres and cymbals, to raise sounds of joy.--1 Chronicles 15:16

Eyes Toward Home

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her-Ephesians 5:25

Over the past several weeks, I have been thinking about starting another master's degree program. I have been enamored with the Master of Arts in Science and Religion program at Biola University. Admittedly, I already have several degrees. I am also currently completing master's level work toward a certificate in biblical counseling. All this is to say that the challenges of academia are a siren song to me. I enjoy pushing myself to learn, though a darker part of me also must admit to the draw of the recognition that comes with the degree. I prefer not to acknowledge that part, but it is there. My wife has been faithfully at my side every step of the way.

When I asked my wife a few days ago to begin praying about this possibility, her response lacked enthusiasm. She sounded tired, as if she wanted to say, "not again." Thankfully, we had the opportunity to talk about it last night. It turns out that while I am peering off into the distance seeking to conquer the next big thing, she plods along at home, managing the household and educating our children. She often feels alone in this task and I suppose that in many ways, she is.

As I laid in bed last night thinking about what she said, I realized that my gaze is too often on the horizon. I think about the possibilities "out there", but my calling is to home. Deuteronomy 6:6-9 calls fathers to their homes: "And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates." God's word is to be consistently before my family and in our home and I am to take the lead in teaching them about Him. I cannot lead well when my focus is often directed elsewhere.

So, for now, Biola will be moved to the back burner. If I profess to love my wife and my children and if I claim to trust God's word for my life, I need to do a better job of turning my eyes toward home. My family does not care if I earn another master's degree, they want papa at home and engaged.

Now, a brief note to the men (of which I hope I am still included): there are so many things that mess with our priorities and we are great at justifying them. We cover our hobbies, jobs, and other activities with a false veneer of righteousness. We tell ourselves that working every evening, burying our noses in a book, or spending time away from home with other believers is ministry. Sometimes it is, but I would argue that often it is not. If we are not defending our homes, if we are not actively and consistently pouring ourselves into our kids, we are missing the mark. God calls us to "give ourselves up" for our wives.  That means spending time at home and getting to know our wives and kids and what is going on in their lives. I know more about current apologetics arguments than I do about what my kids are doing in math.  Other men know football stats, or deer movement patterns, or stock market fluctuations better than they know about their children's friendships.  Men, our primary ministry is to our families. Other activities are not inherently bad, but we must ask ourselves "where are we planting our flags? Where are we directing our gaze?" I have a good friend who is fond of saying, "men, we are in a fight." Let's make sure we know what we are fighting for. 

Advice for single men (and women)

Owen Strachan wrote this "Letter to a (frustrated) single young man" today.  It is packed with rich advice and wisdom.  If you have any input into the lives of young men and women, or if you are a young man or woman, or if you can read, you should take the time to read this through. 

He writes,


Men today are in trouble. Many need a stiff challenge.

Many evangelical and particularly “new Calvinist” commentators are noting problems endemic to modern manhood—Al Mohler, Mark Driscoll, Darrin Patrick, and Rick Phillips, to name a few. This could not be more welcome. Guys today have been taught by countless sources and media outlets that they are inherently dumb, ignoble, and inferior to women. Guys hook up with girls, shirk responsibility, take only unserious things seriously, and generally neglect the great opportunities before them. The statistics related to college attendance, marriage, and workforce entry and advancement offer boundless testimony to this reality. A generation raised on Maxim sees women as conquests and children as an inconvenience. A generation devoted to Jackass embodies it. A generation obsessed with fantasy football gives itself over to a fantasy world, where games and players replace serious pursuits and leadership of others. Men are in trouble, with Christian men falling prey to many of these lesser things.

So let the horn sound. Challenge boys and men to follow a different path. Model what this looks like. Show them how to live for Christ, and to serve family, church, and society. Absolutely.

Read the rest here.