Five-fifths human: My reflections on cruelty and a call for confession

Prior to the 2016 election, emotions ran high. People across the nation expressed strong feelings about their preferred candidate and why the other candidates were unacceptable, unelectable, or deplorable. People seemed at least as committed to the defeat of the opposition as to the election of their own person. We now stand five days post-election and tempers run hotter than they did in the weeks leading up to the election.

Since Tuesday, we have been the unfortunate witnesses of so much hatred and violence. Crimes against people of color, gays and lesbians, and different religious backgrounds seem much more abundant than normal, and they already occur entirely too frequently. These incidents are not only happening among adults, but are infecting our children and schools too. The KKK has been circulating and recruiting with increased fervor.

Yet, that's not all. Multiple videos have surfaced of those who have been assaulted for their stance on Trump. One heart-wrenching video of a mother emerged. She packed her elementary-aged son's suitcase and kicked him out of the house amidst his flood of tears for voting for Trump in a school election.  Flags burn. Cities burn. None other than Garrison Keillor, author of the Prairie Home Companion, wrote an article for the Chicago Tribune entitled, Donald Trump won. Let the uneducated have their day. "Don't be cruel" he urged readers--his fellow "liberal elitists"--after he had devoted several paragraphs to maligning the intelligence of who he perceives to be the uneducated Trump voters, or as he suggests, "those without books on their shelves."

My fellow Americans, this isn't okay.

In 1787, a compromise was reached between the Southern and Northern states called the "three-fifths compromise." For purposes of taxation and representation, free citizens were counted as a whole person whereas "all other persons" (in other words, slaves) were counted only 3/5. They were considered less than fully human.

Are we coming again to a place where we have lost sight that human dignity is endowed by the Creator? Are we living in a time when we deem others to be "less than human?" Thankfully, on a federal level, each person (at least each person born alive and at least on paper) is recognized as fully human. One's citizenship is not reduced due to color, creed, or character.

Sadly, as individual Americans, I am not sure that we believe in equality anymore. Recent words and actions betray our beliefs that others are less than human, that there are people less deserving of dignity, respect, and kindness than others.

Again, fellow Americans: This. Isn't. Okay.

I am calling upon all who read this to take an honest inventory of your heart. Ask yourself, which people do I think are inferior to me? Who is less deserving of my respect? Who, in my thoughts and feelings, is less than fully human? Ask yourself, does my disapproval of another's behavior end up infecting my view of them as a person deserving of dignity?

Be honest. Pretending you are sinless in this not only harms others, but it harms your own soul. Healing can only begin with honest confession.  King David reminded us that God doesn't despise brokenness and contrition (Psalm 51).

From there, please stop acting as if you are better than others. In your disagreement, seek to listen and understand. Seek to comfort and restore. And, as Tim McGraw has so recently reminded us, "always be humble and kind."

Walkie Talkies & Empty Couches-Part 6

SPENDING TIME WITH EACH OTHER

Ephesians 5:15-21—Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore, do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart, giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

God wants us to make the best use of our time. I think one part of that is marital togetherness.

1) We need to spend time with each other. We cannot communicate if we are not together. A) Daily-Our marriages and our communication will be much stronger if we connecting on a daily basis, even if briefly. In the category of “do as I say and not as I do” it would be beneficial to take even 15 minutes, send the kids away, turn off the TV and talk to each other. Just be together. You could do a short devotional. Ask each other how you can pray for each other. Hey, even better you could actually pray. B) Weekly (or so)-try to get away from the house for a date where you can visit and reconnect. If you can’t afford a babysitter, trade services with a friend. Common advice is to not talk about the kids, but frankly, if you are talking about anything, that is excellent. C) Annually (or so) Try to get away to do something you both enjoy. For an extended period. To reconnect.

If we are not regularly taking time together, we begin to live parallel lives. He has his hobbies and friends; she has hers—maybe. Too often, our society promotes rugged individualism for men. Watch the commercials during sporting events. Men are supposed to hang out with their buddies, either drinking beer or engaging in extreme sports. Wives are absent. It almost seems to be a sense of entitlement. “I’ve worked hard all day. I deserve to spend most nights out with my buddies, kicking a few back and playing games.”

Against that backdrop, a desire for marital togetherness is almost countercultural. However, God values marital togetherness. According to Deuteronomy 24:5, When a man is newly married, he shall not go out with the army or be liable for any other public duty. He shall be free at home one year to be happy with his wife whom he has taken. Read Song of Solomon—the husband and wife have a deep longing to be together. He is not merely waiting for the passage of time so that he can sneak off with his buddies. He has a passion to be with his wife. If we spend more nights with friends or pursuing hobbies than we do at home, we may want to rethink our balance.

The end of Ephesians 5 speaks of wives submitting to husbands, and husbands sacrificially loving their wives. Ephesians 5:33 says, “let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” That is a whole weekend conference in itself. In fact, Emerson Eggerichs has made a living out of conferences devoted to Ephesians 5:33. He has a useful book entitled Love and Respect. It is important to note, however, that God designed us in this way.

Folks, God’s word provides the tools for good communication if we seek to know them. The world suggests a different way, a way that too many people discover every day does not work. God designed us to love one another, submit to one another, and grow in unity.

I want to conclude today by going back to the middle of Ephesians. Right in the middle Paul drops in a prayer for spiritual strength. Ephesians 3:14-21 reads:

I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

Walkie Talkies & Empty Couches-Part 5

How do we speak with one another?

Ephesians 4:29 says, “let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”

What is corrupting talk?

Marriage researcher John Gottmann talks about the “4 horsemen of the apocalypse.” He can watch a married couple interact with each other for about 5 minutes and tell with 80% accuracy whether or not they will stay married based upon these factors.

1. Criticism—A critical spouse moves beyond the issue at hand and instead criticizes the person. What may start innocently enough, becomes increasingly personal.

I think we get a glimpse of several examples of this in the Proverbs. Solomon, who collected most of the Proverbs and had 700 wives mentions a “quarrelsome wife” no less than 4 times. He compares a quarrelsome and ill-tempered woman to a continual dripping of rain and states that it would be better to live in a desert or on a rooftop. A spouse who is regularly criticized would often rather be in a less than ideal place simply to avoid the criticism.

What does this look like? There are a couple of things that we need to be watchful for.

We need to be careful about speaking in extremes. In other words, “you always” or “you never”. I encountered this at work this week. One of the receptionists I work with was complaining about her husband and said to me, “why don’t you men ever clean up after yourselves?” I responded, “why do you women always make generalizations about men?” I then proceeded to explain my point that it is very common for people to speak in generalizations. The reality is that “always, never, and only” are rarely true and even if they are, pointing it out is not helpful to the conversation.

This receptionist provided a great example of criticism because she provided another point we need to be careful of. She criticized her spouse publically. I don’t think this is ever a good idea, whether or not your spouse is there. Ephesians 4:29 reminds us, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only as is good for building up as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” When we criticize our spouses, publically or privately, it rarely gives grace.

Don’t bring up stuff from the past-Another piece of criticism involves bringing up stuff from the past. It is so common when people disagree to bring up stuff from previous disagreements. It is easy ammunition but it is not helpful. In Jeremiah, we are told that God will “remember our sin no more.” Fighting fair means not bringing up stuff from the past. Remember the story of the prodigal son.

Using I language-This really simple technique sounds silly, but it works well. It is very good at dismantling anger. Provide examples. “I felt like you took advantage of me” rather than “you took advantage of me.” OR “I felt like you treated me badly at the party” rather than “you were an inconsiderate jerk”

2. Contempt—Contempt takes criticism to the next level. Here, the goal is attack or abuse. Two common methods of contempt include: name calling and sarcasm.

What do we mean by name calling? Rather than addressing a behavior or situation, you label your spouse. For example, when your spouse is dishonest, do you say, “I was upset that you did not tell me the truth in that situation” or do you say, “you are a liar.” Rather than saying, “you seemed really angry” you say “you are really a jerk!” Avoid words like “lazy, stupid, ugly, fat”—you get the idea.

What about sarcasm? For most of my life, I have characterized myself as someone with a deep appreciation for sarcasm. I enjoyed a biting wit and a quick tongue. I thought it was funny. In the last year or so, however, I have become increasingly convicted that it can be damage. In fact, sarcasm comes from words that mean “to tear flesh.”

When we first started meeting regularly with our small group, the other couples were concerned about Heather and me because we were routinely sarcastic with one another. Although I don’t think either one of us ever noticed any problem with it, other couples noticed. Only last year, another friend of mine commented that he was hurt by a sarcastic comment I made. I was completely unaware. Proverbs 12:18 says “there is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” Proverbs 26:18 compares sarcasm to “firebrands or deadly arrows”

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3. Defensiveness—The spouse who is criticized tends to become defensive and may use many different techniques. A defensive spouse may divert responsibility, or even turning the complaint back on the critical spouse.

You can see this almost every week on TV. Everybody Loves Raymond is a classic place to see it. Debra, the wife, will criticize something about Ray and he will initially backpedal and then blameshift or find something wrong with her. I am going to describe a plot line that isn’t from an actual show, but could really describe any of their shows.

Debra: “Ray, you told me that you would watch the kids today. Every time I ask you to do something nice for me, it’s all about you, you, you. (criticism). You are so insensitive.”

Ray: I…I…I thought my mom was going to watch the kids while I played golf. Plus, I don’t think you ever asked me. You never ask, you always assume.”

Debra: “All you ever think about is yourself. That and getting lucky.”

Ray: “Well you never think about that! You always have a headache!”

Get the idea? They spend time speaking past each other, really missing the point. Not listening to each other. Not taking responsibility. Not communicating. Still, they always manage to present the image of a happy couple after 30 minutes.

Perhaps that is one thing sit-coms do well. They do not typically let the sun go down on their anger. They resolve it…in 30 minutes. Ephesians 4:26-27 reminds us “be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.”

What does this look like? Does it mean we always go to bed with every issue resolved? Does it mean we are in perfect agreement before we nod off? I don’t think it does. We all face some pretty big issues that do not resolve quickly. Rather, I think that we are to try to calm down emotionally and come to a place where we agree to resolve this, no matter how long it takes, before we go to sleep.

I can think of many nights where Heather and I lay in bed, backs to each other—waiting for the other to say the next word. I always have this mixed set of emotions. I want Heather to say something, to break the ice yet I don’t want to cave. Eventually, we each speak our peace, but it can take a long time and sometimes an agreement that we are on the same team as we work toward a resolution. In our relationship, we tend toward avoiding saying anything for fear of saying the wrong thing. That is one problematic way of dealing with conflict—avoidance.

Proverbs 29:11 deals with the opposite problem. It says, “a fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.” A spouse who gives full vent who is not in control of his or her emotions. They just let the words roll with no thought for the effect they will have.

When we are commanded to not sin in our anger (v 26), we need to remember what it says in the verse immediately previous. “Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor (or in this case spouse) for we are members of one another.” Verse 15 tells us to “Speak the truth in love.” Speaking the truth in love involves restrained action. We are commanded to speak, but lovingly. Either extreme can lead to problems.

Stonewalling—Gottman’s final horseman is called stonewalling. A spouse who is stonewalling has checked out of the relationship. Responses, if offered, are brief and uninvolved. Communication may consist of grunts or frank silence.

This pattern seemed to unfold before America’s eyes on Jon and Kate. Kate started out as critical. Jon was initially defensive and eventually he checked out of the relationship emotionally and physically.

Walkie Talkies & Empty Couches-part 4

Thankfully, Paul does not just leave us hanging. Chapters 4 – 5 of Ephesians provide many different strategies for how to maintain unity and love like Christ.

Before even suggesting how to communicate, in Ephesians 4:2, Paul suggests the posture, or attitude, we should adopt when communicating. He tells us to walk with humility, gentleness, and patience, bearing with one another in love.

A humble spouse is one who does not need to be right, who does not insist upon his own way. A humble spouse does not always have to get the last word. A humble spouse does not have to have the right answer for everything. A humble spouse does not presume to win an argument. A humble spouse has a desire to build the marriage, regardless of who is right or wrong.

Gentleness goes hand in hand with humility. In the Bible, gentleness is compared with a nursing mother caring for her children. If you have ever watched a mother feed her children, you see a deep peace and sense of calm. There is no sense of agitation or frenzy. Rather it suggests a pleasant sweetness.

We are also called to be patient and bear with one another in love. So often, I think we have this tendency during periods of discomfort to want to speed things up. Have you ever watched a disagreement in public? It is almost like a bad traffic accident. You don’t want to watch, but you cannot help it. Arguments escalate so that by the end, people are simply talking at each other at the same time. My advice here is SLOW DOWN. Don’t rush through an argument in haste. God willing, you will have the rest of your lives to make your point to your spouse. SLOW DOWN.

So, we have it established that we are going to be humble, gentle, patient, and bear with one another. Now what?

Walkie Talkies & Empty Couches-Part 2

Paul starts right out in Ephesians 1 telling us about how blessed we are in Christ. Beginning in verse 5, we learn that “In love, he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved.” Because he loved us, he chose us to be a part of his family. That is what it means to be adopted—he selected us in to his family. This verse has much more meaning to me having recently adopted. I deeply love Tessa as my own. She has full rights as my child, just as we do as God’s adopted children. Verse 11 says that “in Him, we have obtained an inheritance.”


Paul is setting the stage here for the later chapters. He is showing us what it really means to be loved by God. We read words like “glorious grace, riches of grace, lavished upon us.” It was clear that this was not just a legal transaction. Not just a signing of papers. We were bought out of our sin through Christ’s blood.


Having set the stage that God loves us in spite of ourselves, Paul begins chapter 2 pointing out what a big deal our adoption is. Chapter 2 gets at the depths of our hopelessness apart from him. Verses 1-3 read, “And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience— among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind.”

These few verses get at why life is sometimes so hard.

1) Verse 2 tells us that we follow the course of the world-Look at the world around us. We live in a society where the value of marriage is rapidly dwindling. Upwards of 50% of marriages end in divorce—including “born again” couples.” For those who remarry, 70% of those divorce. In several places, there are recommendations that marriage licenses expire, making the process easier. I read something recently where someone recommended a “trainee” permit for marriage. In other words, if after a year, you are incompatible, you simply go your separate ways. This is the “course of the world” and it is everywhere. This directly contradicts Malachi 2:14, which tells us that marriage is covenantal, not merely contractual. It is a deep commitment.

In many regards, what we encounter in the media clearly demonstrates the “course of the world.” The average American watches TV about 4 hours per day. Compare that to the amount time most of us spend reading God’s word or talking with our spouses. What does TV tell us about the course of the world?

Sitcoms--Turn on your television set and you can get a good sense of the course of the world. What do we see? Sitcoms present less than bright or emasculated husbands doing really dumb things while the wives lead the families with grace. When the couples disagree with one another, which often occurs because it generates higher ratings, they pull up stuff from the past, they are accusatory, and can be downright mean. However, the nature of a sitcom is that all problems are resolved within 30 minutes.

Reality TV-Reality television has become a voyeuristic sensation. Americans look in on the lives of those will willing to live in front of the camera. We see divorces tragically unfold, couples screaming at each other, and shows where marriages emerge when 25 women are presented to a single bachelor.

The show John and Kate + 8 was a great tragedy as far as I am concerned. Americans were able to look in on a family of 10 dissolve, largely because of really bad communication.

News-Even news programming happily features the dissolution of celebrity marriages, yet rarely features those married couples living together with fidelity and love. Tiger Woods

Verse 2:3 goes on “We all once lived in the passions of the flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind”. Galatians 5 tells us what the works of the flesh are: “sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these.” To me, this sounds much like the way of the world we currently live in, at least the way it is presented on television.

To some degree or another, our natures desire these things. We’re hopeless sinners. We’re children of wrath. Our tendency is to follow the course of the world. Satan, through the passions of the flesh, serves as our tempter to act out of that passion!

In Ephesians 2:4-10, Paul again comes back to the answer. But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. God chose us. Even in our broken, dirty, fallen, sinful state, God chose us because he loved us. These verses really set the stage for what true love really is. He mercifully sacrificed because He loved us. It had nothing to do with our own goodness or “deservedness.” This has profound implications for how we should interact with our spouse. I think it is the key to marital communication. It is the cornerstone for marital communication, but why?

John 13:34 says that “just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.”

Let that sink in for a minute—“just as I have loved you.” How does he love us? He loves us in spite of our sin. He loves us even though we are children of wrath. He loves us even though we follow the course of the world. He gives us mercy, grace, and kindness when we do not deserve it.

“Just as I have loved you, YOU ALSO ARE TO LOVE ONE ANOTHER.” We are to love others, spouses included, in spite of their sin. In spite of the fact that they are chasing after the world. In spite of the fact that they are “children of wrath.”

So are we.

I had a friend in graduate school who told me that he and his wife had a 50/50 marriage. He said, “because we have a marriage built on equality, we each give 50% to the marriage.” They are divorced now. 50/50 marriages are doomed for failure. Seek for a 100 marriage. You give 100%. Don’t worry yourself about the amount your spouse is giving. If you love sacrificially, as Christ loved us, it matters not the percent your spouse gives.

So Paul spends the first 2 chapters of Ephesians demonstrating for us how we are loved. He gives us context for what comes next.