How do we speak with one another?
Ephesians 4:29 says, “let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”
What is corrupting talk?
Marriage researcher John Gottmann talks about the “4 horsemen of the apocalypse.” He can watch a married couple interact with each other for about 5 minutes and tell with 80% accuracy whether or not they will stay married based upon these factors.
1. Criticism—A critical spouse moves beyond the issue at hand and instead criticizes the person. What may start innocently enough, becomes increasingly personal.
I think we get a glimpse of several examples of this in the Proverbs. Solomon, who collected most of the Proverbs and had 700 wives mentions a “quarrelsome wife” no less than 4 times. He compares a quarrelsome and ill-tempered woman to a continual dripping of rain and states that it would be better to live in a desert or on a rooftop. A spouse who is regularly criticized would often rather be in a less than ideal place simply to avoid the criticism.
What does this look like? There are a couple of things that we need to be watchful for.
We need to be careful about speaking in extremes. In other words, “you always” or “you never”. I encountered this at work this week. One of the receptionists I work with was complaining about her husband and said to me, “why don’t you men ever clean up after yourselves?” I responded, “why do you women always make generalizations about men?” I then proceeded to explain my point that it is very common for people to speak in generalizations. The reality is that “always, never, and only” are rarely true and even if they are, pointing it out is not helpful to the conversation.
This receptionist provided a great example of criticism because she provided another point we need to be careful of. She criticized her spouse publically. I don’t think this is ever a good idea, whether or not your spouse is there. Ephesians 4:29 reminds us, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only as is good for building up as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” When we criticize our spouses, publically or privately, it rarely gives grace.
Don’t bring up stuff from the past-Another piece of criticism involves bringing up stuff from the past. It is so common when people disagree to bring up stuff from previous disagreements. It is easy ammunition but it is not helpful. In Jeremiah, we are told that God will “remember our sin no more.” Fighting fair means not bringing up stuff from the past. Remember the story of the prodigal son.
Using I language-This really simple technique sounds silly, but it works well. It is very good at dismantling anger. Provide examples. “I felt like you took advantage of me” rather than “you took advantage of me.” OR “I felt like you treated me badly at the party” rather than “you were an inconsiderate jerk”
2. Contempt—Contempt takes criticism to the next level. Here, the goal is attack or abuse. Two common methods of contempt include: name calling and sarcasm.
What do we mean by name calling? Rather than addressing a behavior or situation, you label your spouse. For example, when your spouse is dishonest, do you say, “I was upset that you did not tell me the truth in that situation” or do you say, “you are a liar.” Rather than saying, “you seemed really angry” you say “you are really a jerk!” Avoid words like “lazy, stupid, ugly, fat”—you get the idea.
What about sarcasm? For most of my life, I have characterized myself as someone with a deep appreciation for sarcasm. I enjoyed a biting wit and a quick tongue. I thought it was funny. In the last year or so, however, I have become increasingly convicted that it can be damage. In fact, sarcasm comes from words that mean “to tear flesh.”
When we first started meeting regularly with our small group, the other couples were concerned about Heather and me because we were routinely sarcastic with one another. Although I don’t think either one of us ever noticed any problem with it, other couples noticed. Only last year, another friend of mine commented that he was hurt by a sarcastic comment I made. I was completely unaware. Proverbs 12:18 says “there is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” Proverbs 26:18 compares sarcasm to “firebrands or deadly arrows”
3. Defensiveness—The spouse who is criticized tends to become defensive and may use many different techniques. A defensive spouse may divert responsibility, or even turning the complaint back on the critical spouse.
You can see this almost every week on TV. Everybody Loves Raymond is a classic place to see it. Debra, the wife, will criticize something about Ray and he will initially backpedal and then blameshift or find something wrong with her. I am going to describe a plot line that isn’t from an actual show, but could really describe any of their shows.
Debra: “Ray, you told me that you would watch the kids today. Every time I ask you to do something nice for me, it’s all about you, you, you. (criticism). You are so insensitive.”
Ray: I…I…I thought my mom was going to watch the kids while I played golf. Plus, I don’t think you ever asked me. You never ask, you always assume.”
Debra: “All you ever think about is yourself. That and getting lucky.”
Ray: “Well you never think about that! You always have a headache!”
Get the idea? They spend time speaking past each other, really missing the point. Not listening to each other. Not taking responsibility. Not communicating. Still, they always manage to present the image of a happy couple after 30 minutes.
Perhaps that is one thing sit-coms do well. They do not typically let the sun go down on their anger. They resolve it…in 30 minutes. Ephesians 4:26-27 reminds us “be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.”
What does this look like? Does it mean we always go to bed with every issue resolved? Does it mean we are in perfect agreement before we nod off? I don’t think it does. We all face some pretty big issues that do not resolve quickly. Rather, I think that we are to try to calm down emotionally and come to a place where we agree to resolve this, no matter how long it takes, before we go to sleep.
I can think of many nights where Heather and I lay in bed, backs to each other—waiting for the other to say the next word. I always have this mixed set of emotions. I want Heather to say something, to break the ice yet I don’t want to cave. Eventually, we each speak our peace, but it can take a long time and sometimes an agreement that we are on the same team as we work toward a resolution. In our relationship, we tend toward avoiding saying anything for fear of saying the wrong thing. That is one problematic way of dealing with conflict—avoidance.
Proverbs 29:11 deals with the opposite problem. It says, “a fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.” A spouse who gives full vent who is not in control of his or her emotions. They just let the words roll with no thought for the effect they will have.
When we are commanded to not sin in our anger (v 26), we need to remember what it says in the verse immediately previous. “Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor (or in this case spouse) for we are members of one another.” Verse 15 tells us to “Speak the truth in love.” Speaking the truth in love involves restrained action. We are commanded to speak, but lovingly. Either extreme can lead to problems.
Stonewalling—Gottman’s final horseman is called stonewalling. A spouse who is stonewalling has checked out of the relationship. Responses, if offered, are brief and uninvolved. Communication may consist of grunts or frank silence.
This pattern seemed to unfold before
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