Relational sin in women

I'm in the process of reading through Larry Crabb's excellent book Fully Alive: A Biblical Vision of Gender that Frees Men and Women to Live Beyond Stereotypes. This book is striking me much more deeply this time around than the last.

Beginning on page 133, there is section entitled "Relational Sin in Women." I was struck by the apparent truth of these few paragraphs (from my perspective as a man).

Feminine words from one woman draw another woman into noncompetitive rest that overcomes the second woman's need to display or protect herself. And a woman's feminine words arouse a man, not to use her for his own pleasure, but to move toward her as a woman of value and worth. He sees her and wants to know her. 

But unfeminine words, words that are energized by a demand to be seen and known, create either relational distance or counterfeit intimacy (my underline). When one woman relates to another woman in the energy of control or defense, their two souls never connect. Competition, jealousy, snubs, and threats create distance. Some kindhearted woman might respond to the pull of a needy female friend and provide affirmation that creates the illusion of closeness, but in fact she only deepens fragile dependency. 

Men respond to unfeminine words with irritable stiffness ("Will you stop trying to control me?"), stubborn retreat ("I don't want to talk about it!"), defensive challenge ("You might want to try accepting me once in a while."), or selfish exploitation ("C'mon, let's go to bed.").

It comes down to this: a woman's words will draw others to her or distance others from her. She will speak either with the feminine power of an openness that invites the best from another and embraces when it comes or with unfeminine power designed to protect herself from another through control that drives her from people. 

I would like more men and women to read this book to understand the gendered nature of relational sin.

Book Review: Fully Alive

Last week, I attended the 52nd School for Spiritual Direction led by Larry Crabb, the author of Fully Alive: A Biblical Vision of Gender That Frees Men and Women to Live Beyond Stereotypes (2013) and we were all given a copy of this book. Crabb's understanding of gender is refreshing. Examining the Hebrew and Greek words for men and women, he proposes an understanding of what makes men masculine and women feminine. He argues that to live most consistently with our gender, men must seek to "remember and move" and women were created to "invite and nourish." Through practical examples, he shows how a biblical understanding can work well and not so well. This was a good book, but I suspect things he says will cause people to rock back on their heels a bit, whether liberal or conservative. It will give everyone something to think about.

Are you a Warrior Poet?

I'm continuing the Braveheart theme from yesterday. Braveheart is my favorite movie. The movie concludes with the line, "In the year of our Lord 1314, patriots of Scotland--starving and outnumbered--charged the fields of Bannockburn. They fought like warrior poets; they fought like Scotsman, and won their freedom."

Over the last week or so, I have been thinking about the term warrior poet. I have ideas about what it means and why it might be a good model to emulate, but I came across this definition from Urban Dictionary: "Coined at the end of the movie, 'Braveheart', warrior poet describes the most bad ass of the bad asses. The most highly skilled fighters, competitors, warriors, swordsmen, spartans [sic]. No one can trump a warrior poet. Nobody trains like them. They do not know defeat and never will. Their heart, intelligence, and determination are unmatched. Their will to triumph, persevere, and over come are the thing of legend." I am not sure how Urban Dictionary came to this definition, but I think it is incorrect, or at least incomplete.

To me, a warrior poet is a man who is strong, but not defined by his physical strength alone. He also has an appreciation for learning, a sacrificial love for others, and is awed by beauty. What do we see when we look at the men of today?  Some men may be physically strong, but emotionally constricted. He works hard and plays hard. He will talk about football, perhaps even his feelings about football, but true emotional availability is often lacking. His idea of what it is to be a man is someone who is physically tough and unshakable. In the movie, we end up with the king, Edward Longshanks.

At the opposite end of the spectrum is the man who lacks any sense of toughness. He falters in the face of challenge. He may be emotional, even to a fault, yet he lacks fortitude and toughness. He may also be vain. He lets others lead so he does not have to even when he needs to. An example from the movie would be Prince Edward.

Although the term warrior poet appears after the death of William Wallace and is applied to the rest of the Scots, he was the consummate example. He was physically tough in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds. He fought for the honor of his bride.  He was fully devoted to her.  He was uncompromisingly committed to the principles of justice, truth, and honor.  He loved his fellow clansman, he valued education, and he spoke freely of beauty.

Contrary to the perspective of Urban Dictionary, a warrior poet is not a man who is a "bad ass" at least in the way they describe him. He is much more than just a warrior or swordsman. A warrior poet gives of himself physically, he loves beauty, he is free with his emotions, and he pursues wisdom with all that he is.

Today, we don't need more men who live for football or ultimate fighting. The world doesn't need more men who play video games in their mother's basement for 6 hours a day while their wife goes off to her job. The world doesn't need more men who are addicted to pornography. The world doesn't need more men who leave their families when the going gets tough. The world doesn't need more men who sit at home while their wives bring the kids to church. The world doesn't need more men who fail to step up and lead.

Rather, we need men who are willing to stand up in the face of challenge and criticism and who are ardent defenders of the truth. We need men who can weep over the brokenness in the world. We need men who speak out against the injustices and the slavery of pornography. We need men who love their wives and their children with unswerving passion and who will stand in the gap for them. We need men who own up to their faults and are willing to lean on others for strength. We need men who desire to grow in wisdom and stature.

We need men who are warrior poets.