Anniversary Poem # 3

Seven thousand, three hundred five
days since we said "yes" for life
we stood before God
and all who looked on
committing to be man and wife.

Anniversary Poem # 2

Summer morning's joy:

warm embrace and radiant

she is heaven's queen. 

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

They say "absence makes the heart grow fonder", whoever "they" are. When separated from your beloved, you develop a deeper sense of longing, or perhaps appreciation. All I know is that I miss my wife. I feel like when she is here at home, I am fond of her, yet I can see the truth in this pithy statement. Seeing the tenderness in the pixilated face of my wife tonight, surrounded by our children--four of them, at least--filled me with a desire to be with her. Not just romantically, but in all ways. She is my best friend and after just four days, I miss her so deeply it hurts. I think the most difficult thing is not knowing when she will come home.

How do soldiers manage? Or those left behind? How do they pass the days separated from those whom their hearts long for? How do they fit all the pieces of each daily puzzle together when some very important pieces are missing?

O Lord, I am grateful that you allow me to continue to delight in the wife of my youth, my companion, and friend. Thank you for reminding me of the desire for her that you have continued to fan into flame for over 17 years.

Bring her home to me.

You’ve captured my heart, dear friend.
    You looked at me, and I fell in love.
    One look my way and I was hopelessly in love!
-Song of Songs

Relationship Monday: Men and Women

Last Monday, Mark Halvorsen and I discussed the first chapter from Larry Crabb's book Men and Women: Enjoying the Difference.  We focused primarily on the following ideas:

• People are wonded, and people are self-centered. We must decide which is the greater problem.
• Self-centeredness is the killer. In every bad relationship, it is the deadliest culprit. Poor communication, temper problems, unhealthy responses to dysfunctional family backgrounds, co-dependent relationships, and personal incompatibility--everything (unless medically caused) flows out of the cesspool of self-centeredness.
• "Original sin" means we all originate out of a sinful world which taints us from the word go. We all tend to make ourselves the center of the universe.-Frederic Buechner
• We are too quick to resent and feel what we suffer from others, but fail to consider how much others suffer from us. Whoever considers his own defects fully and honestly will find no reason to judge others harshly.-Thomas a Kempis.

These ideas provided wonderful fodder for a fruitful discussion. We will continue talking about the book on Front Page on WWIB at 10:00 on Monday July 21. We pre-recorded the session and I think there is much to think about!

You can listen to last week's podcast here.

Book Review: The Marriage Builder

Originally published in 1982, Larry Crabb's The Marriage Builder: Creating True Oneness to Transform Your Marriage (2013) remains an important book for understanding and transforming marriages. As he writes of oneness, he mentions spirit oneness, soul oneness, and body oneness. As is common with Dr Crabb, he argues that we often believe our needs should be met by others whereas in truth, our primary needs are met in Christ.  He does admit, however, that we often lose sight of Christ's filling us. He then moves on to soul oneness, which deals with how spouses are committed to loving the other in an other focused approach. Finally, he spends some time writing about body oneness, or how partners meet one another's physical desires. Having established these facets of true oneness, he discusses a foundation built on grace, commitment, and acceptance. 

On the whole, this was a very practical book, grounded in the gospel. I believe that Dr Crabb rightly identifies that our primary identity and needs are met in Christ, but that we can also minister and serve through the marriage.  His differentiation between goals and desires, and our level of control over them, is an important one. The discussion of the 3 building blocks--grace, acceptance, and commitment--are also worth the price of the book.  This would be a very useful book not only for those who are just starting out, but also for those who have been married for a long time.

Fighting for One Another's Marriages

In our churches, we tell married couples about the importance of fighting for their marriages.  We offer parenting seminars, talk about the importance of staying married, and discuss biblically-defined roles of manhood and womanhood.  All of these are good things.

But lately, I have been wondering how well we fight for one another's marriages and relationships. I think its easier for us to offer people principles, prayers, and verses than it is to go to battle for them and with them. It is easier to say to people, "you should really read Ephesians 5" or to say, "This must be tough. I'll be praying for you guys." Maybe we even get a little edgy and suggest some new sexual technique.

But we don't fight for them. We don't move into their lives and invite them into ours. We don't roll up our cuffs and enter the mess of life with them. We keep their messy marriages at a safe, clean distance, just as we keep them from our own messy lives.  We spiritualize marriage and how it is a reflection of Christ and the church and meanwhile, lots of people are hopelessly wondering, "What are we doing wrong?  Why isn't being married what everyone promised it would be?"  And so they suffer.  Alone. 

We need to enter the fight for one another.  Yes, we need to offer to pray for and with them, we need to point them to Scripture, we maybe even need to offer practical suggestions, but it seems to me that we need to put our arms around one another's shoulders and walk together.  We need to enter the mess. 

James 2:15-16 (NIV84) says, "Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, 'Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it?'" This applies to our married lives as well. If we see a brother or sister who is struggling in their marriage and we say, "go, I wish you well; keep happy in your marriage," but we do nothing about helping them to fight for their marriage, what good is it? 

Let's make an effort to go to war for one another in our relationships.  Let's wipe one another's tears. Let's bind one another's wounds. Let's journey together.

Book Review: Men and Women--Enjoying the Difference

Men and Women: Enjoying the Difference (1991/2013) by Larry Crabb sets out to explore gender differences, particularly within the marital relationship. Having said that, I believe that a substantial part of this book would be useful to anyone, married or not.

Men and Women is a practical exploration of the notion of relational sin, and particularly our tendency to be self-centered. Crabb argues that when things go wrong in relationships, the primary reason is that people are committed first of all to themselves. On page 23, he wrote "it is the act of putting ourselves at the center of the universe, where God belongs, that is unqualified sin."  That thesis drives the remainder of the book. 

Having done his homework, Crabb explores the two typical "camps" of understanding biblical marriage, what he terms the egalitarian and the traditionalist. He believes that problems ultimately emerge from both of these traditional understandings, on the one hand suffocating legalism and on the other self-expressing freedom. the problem with both of them is that they are self-, rather than other-, centered. In typical Crabb fashion, he describes things in a fresh way that others don't always grasp while remaining firmly committed to Scripture.

Men and Women is a great book for the health of marriages, but I would say that it is also an excellent book for relationships in general. I am committed to the notion of self-denial as essential Christian teaching and this book gets right to that heart. 

Losing My Wife Is My Greatest Fear

A friend of mine posted this beautiful account of marriage from a man married to his wife for 60 years.  His understanding of marriage and commitment is much different that what we hear of today.  When he married, he expected to stay married. This response conflicts with what I heard from a woman I went to graduate school with, who said, "I expect I will marry some day, but I also believe I will probably get a divorce." 

This man's words are tender, wise, and humorous. Without question, he adores his wife now as much as he did when they first met, even though, as he says, "the intercourse has gradually gone away." 

He captured my fear well, "I see friends' spouses die, and it scares me. Losing my wife is my biggest fear. I'm not sure how I would go on with out her." For me too, if I am honest, is my greatest fear--losing my best friend, yet neither do I want her to lose me.  I suppose it will happen eventually, but I pray not soon. 

Remind your wife of her purity

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.-Ephesians 5:25-28

If you have ever been to a Christan wedding or read Christian marriage books, you have no doubt heard that "husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church." If the authors went further, you have perhaps even heard that it means that he is to give himself up for her. Husbands are to love their wives sacrificially.  We are to commit to loving our wives fully, perhaps by setting aside some of our own selfish wants. 

Rarely, however, do these authors take it further.  Ephesians 5:26 says that "he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word." Husbands, your words matter.  So often, husbands are careless with their words.  They criticize, complain, or outright attack their wives.  Rather than restraining their tongues, they say things without thought. 

Men, you must seek to remind your wife of the gospel regularly.  You must remind them of their beauty in Christ.  Your words must serve to edify your wife. Your words must serve to purify her, or rather, remind her of her purity in Christ.

Your words matter. 

Sproul on Celebrating Alone

RC Sproul Jr lost his wife to cancer earlier this year or perhaps last. I do not remember exactly. What I do know is that any time he writes about Denise, my tears well up. Perhaps it is because my wife had cancer that I get emotional. Perhaps it is because he is a homeschooling dad going it alone now. Perhaps it is because this man demonstrates a profound love for his wife and his Lord.  In any case, I commend his words today on the eve of his 20th anniversary.

Like the last time, I am republishing this in whole, though the original is here, if interested.

 +++++++++++++++++++++++++

It was hot and humid that day, August 1, 1992. I stood, and waited. Beside me stood several of my closest friends, and nearby was my father. All of us, however, had our eyes glued to the same spot, anticipating. The music changed, heralding the arrival we were all waiting for, me most of all. The doors swung open, and there she was, on her father’s arm. Slowly, stately, they made their way up the center aisle and soon he placed her hand in mine.

Jesus redeemed me. His life, death and resurrection assured me adoption by my heavenly Father. I will one day see Him as He is, and I will be like Him. Apart from this, however, despite a lifetime of showering me with blessing upon blessing, He had never blessed me as He did this day. House and wealth are an inheritance from fathers, but a prudent wife is from the Lord (Proverbs 19:14).

I knew then what I know well now, that this woman was so much more than I deserved. She was a living, breathing reminder of the gospel, that God gives well beyond my due. For nearly twenty years His grace graced our home in and through her. I woke up each morning astonished at what God had done for me. I went to bed each night beside His grace. I did not get the opportunity to plan a grand twentieth anniversary celebration. We will neither repeat our honeymoon cruise nor hold hands on the Champs Elysees. Instead I will travel to the cemetery.

I will, almost certainly, cry. I will certainly ache from missing her. I will remember those two days that have so shaped me- our wedding and her home going. But my prayer is that I will celebrate. I have much to give thanks for. I am thankful for the twenty years we had together. I am thankful for the eight children we had together, for how faithfully she mothered them, and how powerfully she shows in them. I am thankful for the family and friends she brought into my life. I am thankful for how she was used to help me grow in grace and wisdom, that I am a better man because of her. She spoke God’s wisdom into my life, while modeling it in her own.

All of this gratitude, however, pales in comparison to the one thing I am most grateful for. Because I love her I wanted to take her on a special trip for our anniversary. Because I love her I give thanks that she is somewhere infinitely more glorious than any place I could take her. My queen is not sailing to exotic ports but is casting down her golden crown around the glassy sea. She won’t stroll through Paris with me, but is walking hand in hand with Jesus on streets of gold. She is enjoying her greatest anniversary ever. Which is the best I could wish for for the woman I love.

My anniversary is, like every day, a day for giving thanks. He gave me more than I deserve in giving me her. He gave her more than she deserves in giving her Him. And one day He will bless me in the same way. Rejoice, and be exceedingly glad.

The inner and outer chaos of SAHMs

Gloria Furhman, writing at Desiring God, has a word of encouragement for stay at home moms and an exhortation for their husbands. She writes,

The harrowing, inner chaos in the soul of a SAHM can drive a woman to do things she never wanted to do. A woman driven by inner chaos will do things like give her children the silent treatment, manipulate her friends, get an ulcer over the budget, or belittle her husband’s hard work.

The manageable outer chaos is aggravated by the inner chaos in our soul. Outer chaos all of a sudden becomes unmanageable. Competent, confident homemakers lose their nerves of steel. Even though it’s “just” a hiccup in the schedule, or a setback with a child’s discipline, or a burned piece of garlic bread, it becomes so much bigger in our hearts.

Then the elusive “peace like a river” is more like a category five hurricane of anxiety, bitterness, discouragement, or discontent.

Husbands, when you can, please step into the outer chaos and help your wife put out a few fires. Then, when the smoke has cleared (or even as it is still lingering), let the Spirit lead you to step into her inner chaos as well.

Read the rest here. 

Cohabiting associated with higher divorce rates

I have been regularly flummoxed when I hear young people say that they want to live together to make sure that they are compatible.  It runs along the same lines as parents who (unfortunately) tell their children that they should try out several sexual partners to make sure that they are "compatible."  This is frankly not supported. 

In an interesting article in the NY Times, The Downside of Cohabiting Before Marriage, clinical psychologist Meg Jay discusses "the cohabitation effect".  She writes, "But that belief is contradicted by experience. Couples who cohabit before marriage (and especially before an engagement or an otherwise clear commitment) tend to be less satisfied with their marriages — and more likely to divorce — than couples who do not. These negative outcomes are called the cohabitation effect."

Unfortunately, though she hints at caution in cohabitation, she does not suggest people avoid it altogether. Clearly, this article also does not rest upon a covenental view of marriage, which likely strengthens bonds as well.

I would commend the full article to you.  

How an affair begins

Rare is the person who sets out to have an affair.  Like the old story of a frog in boiling water, many people don't recognize they are in hot water until it is already boiling. 

Andree Seu, writing for World Magazine, writes:  "She went to a woman’s house to drop off a package as a favor to someone, but the woman was not home. The husband was, and they exchanged pleasantries for a few moments. My friend noticed the carpentry project the man was working on and commented on his artistry. She asked him a few questions about it, and it didn’t take much to encourage him to spill forth for an hour and a half about every aspect of the work. It was fun."

Read the rest here.  

It's the promise that sustains the love

Jefferson Bethke with another spoken poem, this time on marriage.  Good stuff here.

A Thankful Husband

Today, I have been contemplating my wife's character, which regularly astounds me. Her deepening character has been observable to everyone who knows her, though her growth has been particularly true since she had cancer, two years ago. As her husband, I have been deeply encouraged by the way people are drawn to her. Younger women regularly seek her counsel or comfort and she is gracious with her time. She finds a way to balance the demands of motherhood with meetings. She loves widely and deeply.  She is peaceful and gracious.

I have been working on a certificate in biblical counseling, which is largely focused on personal discipleship. As I study, I see my wife living out the lessons I am learning with practical wisdom. She teaches me a lot and I am thankful to call her my wife.

Heather, I love you.

6 seconds

Jani Ortlund, wife of 39 years, writes: "After years of a quick shout from somewhere near the back door, it started with “Goodbye, honey. See you tonight . . .” which left us both wanting more. It stopped when we decided that before we went out to face our day we would scout the other out, wrap each other up in a warm embrace, and begin our day with an intimate, very married, six-second kiss."

Heather, I would dig this, for what it is worth. 

CCEF-day 2

Well, after the first day, I exhausted. Grace asked how I could feel so exhausted just from talking, and I corrected her that it was actually from listening.

Tim Lane presented about calling unto God and others. He pointed out that we fall into the trap of either "me" centered or "couple" centered marriages, rather than God centered marriages. He said "true Biblical change is not less than behavioral, it's more; it's not less than cognitive, it's more. It is relational and covenantal. He noted that when first things are put first, second things are not supressed, but increased. We need to be reminded that God created each of us, including our differences. We need to remember that God is sovereign, even when our marriages seem hard. He stated, "the isolated Christian is limited. Your marriage is a community, but it is too small a community to meet all the depths of community. So we need to be careful not to isolate ourselves."

Mike Emlet presented the second general session of the day and he focused on unity, not just in marriage, but in the church. Frankly, I was really tired during this session. He exhorted us to seek out those brothers and sisters with whom we are most conflicted and work toward reconciliation because God cherishes unity. He rightly reminds that if you are unified in your church, you can fight the real enemy.

I also attended a couple of electives. The first was by Ed Welch on avoiding th mundane in conversations. He also centered on the importance of peace and unity. He made the foillowing points. 1) God speaks, so words are a big deal. 2) He also listens and is not distracted as we so often are. 3) conversations imitate our communication with God and are our primary means of growth in unity. 4) conversations are a skill. Do we pray about that skill? 5) conversations can take planning. 6) conversations draw the others person out and they go deeper. 7) conversations require a basic knowledge of people. 8) conversations should sneak in a personal blessing--a specific blessing. 9) if you are distracted, talk about why. 10) both the speaker and the listener are busy in the conversation. 11) be alert to the tendency to "one up" the other in conversation.

I also attended a talk on singles in the church by Cecilia Barnhardt. This was a good talk that dealt with many of the assumptions of singles in the church. Briefly, she validated the feeling of isolation that is often experienced by singles and encouraged us not to minimize, downplay, or shame those whoe express this feeling. She pointed out the family-centric nature of the church, which minimizes the Biblical focus, where the church is the family that is most often at the center.

Julie Lowe closed the day. I have notes on her excellent talk too, just not with me. I am learning a ton. I pray that I can apply much of what I have learned.

CCEF-day 1

I attended 2 sessions today
The first dealt with premarital counseling. Jason Barrie had a lot of good, gospel centered advice. He spoke specifically about the need to have a right view of God, a right view of self, and a right view of others. Here were some choice quotes.
 
1) if you are willing to sacrifice your fiances purity before marriage, you will be willing to do the same thing afterward.
2) Everyone knows what the church is against, no one knows what we are for.
3) (regarding premarital relations) there is no other area in my life where I want to see how close I can get to sin without doing it.  FLEE FROM SIN!
4) self-justification and judging others go together, as justification by grace and serving others go together-Bonhoeffer
5)be a sermon in shoes.

The second session dealt with marital conflict and was given by Aaron Sironi and Gary Friesen of Peacemaker Ministries. It was also deeply grounded in the gospel. They provided a good model for confession and forgiveness that I am not going to go into in great depth.

More tomorrow.

Surviving the Rapids

For reasons unknown to me, rivers have been on my mind recently.  I have spent the past week or so trying to craft an essay about rivers, though my wandering thoughts never went anywhere of consequence. This weekend, through a series of circumstances, the topic emerged. 

I spent the latter part of the week in anticipation of a "surprise date" that Heather had been carefully planning.  Come Saturday morning, I discovered that she had arranged to borrow kayaks from our friends Mike and Kellie.  She, typically the less adventurous of us, was eager to attempt something brand new.

We arrived at the river and went through a few last minute preparations.  I excitedly readied my kayak, eager to push out into the fast-moving water.  I intended to use the life preserver as a back rest though my wife, who is either more cautious or simply wiser, encouraged me to wear it.  I obliged. 

As I paddled out, 25 feet from shore, I capsized--separated not only from my glasses, cap, and water bottle, but also from the paddle and the kayak itself.  I panicked.  The water was moving toward the dam a half-mile downstream much faster than I had anticipated.  I did not know what to do.  I wanted to save the kayak and the paddle, but my mind was racing faster than the river.  Thankfully, Heather who so commonly serves as my ballast, yelled at me, "Calm down!" She reminded me that I was wearing the life preserver she had exhorted me to put on.  Thanks be to God, I calmed down; swam, crosscurrent, to shore, and apart from embarrassment, was left unscathed. 

Sometimes, in the river of life, the current quickens.  In those times it is easy to fear the worst, to lose sight of shore, and to forget that you are wearing a life preserver.  My life has often been a meandering stream, though at other times, I have faced rapids.  In those tumultuous times, God's word has been my life preserver.  He has provided friends and family who encourage me not to panic because I have God and His word.  In the midst of the swirling waters of life, he has reminded me that having more stuff or being respected are just incidentals that can go over the dam without a second thought. 

The future is uncertain. Life may be a lazy river now, though it often becomes a roaring rapids.  No matter how the water appears now, follow the wisdom my wife shared and put on your life preserver before you even push out from shore. 

Suffering Together

Genesis 2:24--Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

Several months ago, I read John Piper's excellent book, Desiring God. Though I was regularly affected by things that he wrote, I was particularly moved by his chapter on suffering. I said to my dear wife, "as Christians, we are called to suffer. We have a fantastic life, why is it that we don't suffer?" She replied, "wherever you lead, I will follow."

As I sat on the top of that mountain of contentment, I had no idea that God was preparing us for a trip into this valley. The Valley of Breast Cancer. In the past 5 days, which have been a whirlwind, Heather went from "I found a lump in my breast that I should have checked out" to "Heather will require a mastectomy."

I have also been painfully assured of something I have long suspected--the suffering of someone I love, in this case the flesh of my flesh--comes with substantial pain. As social beings, we humans suffer when confronted by the pain of others, particularly our loved ones. A part of me says I have no right to feel hurt, yet another part is reminded that I am one with this woman God has joined with me. Her pain is my pain.

I also know that as we peer into the valley, God has given us the past several years together to prepare for this journey with one another. Taking her left hand in mine and reaching to God with my right, we step out in faith.

I want to build a house up on this mountain
Way up high where the peaceful waters flow
To quench my thirsty soul
Up on the mountain

My faith is strengthened by all that I see
You make it easy for me to believe up on the mountain
Oh, up on the mountain

I would love to live up on this mountain
And keep the pain of living life so far away
But I know I can't stay
Up on the mountain

I said I'd go, Lord, wherever You lead
For where You are is where I most want to be
And I can tell we're headed for the valley
My faith is strengthened by all that I've seen
So Lord help me remember what You've shown me
Up on the mountain

You bring me up here on this mountain
For me to rest and learn and grow
I see the truth up on the mountain
And I carry it to the world far below

So as I go down to the valley
Knowing that You will go with me
This is my prayer, Lord
Help me to remember what You've shown me
Up on the mountain
Up on the mountain

I cherish these times up on the mountain
But I can leave this place because I know
Someday You'll take me home to live forever
Up on the mountain