Since becoming a Christian, I have professed to understand grace and I believe I do. Indeed, I know that it is by grace I am saved (Ephesians 2:8-9). Many times, though, my understanding is in my head, as is my personality. God designed me as a thinker. I more easily process thoughts and concepts than emotions and feelings. Getting grace from my head to my heart has been a daunting task.
Eric Johnson (Foundations of Soul Care, 2006) writes of this process, differentiating the cognitive from the carditive. "Carditive internalization begins with the processing of biblical/gospel discourse in such a way that one's affections are engaged" (p. 503). I cherish the times when God allows me carditive internalization. This week was such a week.
Over the past several days, I have been struggling to understand Galatians 5. Paul contrasts law and grace, works of the flesh and fruits of the spirit. Verses 16 and 24 really challenged me. Verse 16 reads, "But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh" and verse 24 reads, "And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires." As I read the works of the flesh described in verses 19-21, I saw myself; not just as I was, but as I am. I was left with the question, am I walking with the Spirit? If I am, why do I still gratify the desires of the flesh? Completely overcoming the flesh seemed impossible to me. I will always have a little more anger. A little more idolatry. A little more flesh.
I found a brief phrase in The Pilgrim's Progress that captured my recent feelings about Galatians 5. Hopeful tells Christian, "Another thing that hath troubled me ever since my late amendments, is, that if I look narrowly into the best of what I do now, I still see sin, new sin, mixing itself with the best of that I do; so that now I am forced to conclude, that notwithstanding my former fond conceits of myself and duties, I have committed sin enough in one day to send me to hell." I have always been a sinner and I will continue to be a sinner, despite my own best efforts. I can claw and fight, but no matter my efforts, I will still be separated from God by an infinite divide.
God, in his infinite graciousness, aided my carditive processing today through pastor Doug. Doug was preaching about heaven, specifically Revelation 21-22. This passage promises a new heaven and a new earth--a completely new existence. Yet, 21:8 reads, "But as for the cowardly, the faithless, the detestable, as for murderers, the sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars, their portion will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, which is the second death.” Reading this verse, I was again back to my feelings regarding Galatians 5.
In the last 5 minutes of his sermon, though, Doug mentioned Romans 5:20. This passage was not the focus of his sermon, but I was emotionally overwhelmed the moment I heard it. God used Doug to share a verse that went right to my heart. Romans 5:20-21 reads, "Now the law came in to increase the trespass, but where sin increased, grace abounded all the more, so that, as sin reigned in death, grace also might reign through righteousness leading to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord."
We were given the law so that we realize how impossible life is without Christ. My sin will increase every day, adding to my debt. Yet, even in my sinfulness, Christ paid the penalty. It has nothing to do with my ability. I will never measure up. And He will grant me eternal life anyway. Greater love has no one than this.
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